There’s a certain level of introspection that comes with any event that rattles you out of normal day-to-day life. Now is one of those times. My brain is on overdrive, and it’s part anxiety, part a deep, selfish, totally human desire to be liked.

Someone I used to know and care about died. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life, and on the surface it seems like this one shouldn’t affect me that deeply. It’s someone I knew only for a brief time and hadn’t talked to in years. But knowing a person your own age who died so suddenly and unfairly triggers a strange sort of reaction.

The outpouring of love and support for this person and his family is really beautiful. It’s totally deserved in every way, and I hope to never find myself in their position. It’s also heart-wrenching for reasons that aren’t so obvious. I’m introverted. I don’t have a huge number of friends. I care deeply about the friends I have, but I don’t think I’m good at showing it. I’m not really part of any defined communities with the exception of Irish music (and even then, I’m not exactly a pillar). My husband is very much the same. We don’t really have mutual friends, or a shared community. We don’t do anything or go anywhere. We have few opportunities to make new friends, and we don’t take advantage of the chances we do have (see: “introverted”).

For the past week, there’s been a knot in the pit of my stomach. If something tragic happened to either of us, I’m genuinely not sure what the response would be. Again, I hope to God that I never find out. But it’s still… kind of a bummer. I don’t think anyone would say I lit up every room I entered, or that I had a radiant smile, or that I made everyone feel happy and at ease. I doubt that people I knew only briefly and long ago would spend a whole lot of energy thinking about it. My funeral will probably be a reflection on surliness and a special knack for resting bitch face.

Maybe I’m wrong. If I am, I wonder if those sparkly people feel the same way, because a pretty unsettling amount of my mental energy is expended trying to figure out how be the kind of person that people just… like. 

I don’t really have a point, except to say that sometimes life is really hard, and a lot of people probably feel like I do, and we should talk about it more.